Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
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no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Happy weekend !
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.