Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
You Might Also Like
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.