[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
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My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.