“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.