Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Banking tips
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.