I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
You Might Also Like
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
That took me a moment.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”