*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
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(before sex)
*sings national anthem
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
monday
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.