Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
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Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
He wanted to make sure😂
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.