Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
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I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
lmao
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
never deleting this app.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.