I’d … I’d rather not.
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adding to the discourse
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
i spent way too long on this
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Good morning
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”