Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
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Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.