Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
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Camping tip: No.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.