I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
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Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”