“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
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If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Dolls on drugs
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”