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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight