Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
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[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I put the mess in domestic.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.