I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
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This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now