Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
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I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.