It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
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texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
The Purge: Valentine鈥檚 Day
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I鈥檓 over here hoping yours are savory.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can鈥檛 tell if that鈥檚 a compliment or contradiction
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! 鉂わ笍
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[prison]
me: I think I鈥檓 breaking out
cell mate: no way that鈥檚 insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you馃槶.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?