All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
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“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
“I’m helping” 😅
Breakfast for Stoners:
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.