“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.