“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
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Me too, bag. Me too….
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
motivation
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!