Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
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When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
groan^2
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”