My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
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Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”