Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that