This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
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Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
We’ve all been there
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I’ve had worse
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6