My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Geez man, take it easy.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Put a ring on it
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes