Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
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FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*