Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
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WTF IS THAT!
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.