My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
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Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*