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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear