British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
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Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.