[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos