My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
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My diet was going really well until I woke up.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I’m confused about plants
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Brother?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!