I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
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So many pants.
So little yoga.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Need WebMD
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.