I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
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My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.