Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
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*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Ape together strong
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat