[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
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RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.