I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
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My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.