Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
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Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
“HELP WITH CAT”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
man: wait
time: no
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️