Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
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Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
same energy
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.