Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
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Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
This is my cat’s medicine.
I am, perchance
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
You learn something every day
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good