[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
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[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.