me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
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I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)