*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
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Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway