A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I really had high hopes for this year though
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.