To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car