Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
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Succinctly put.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
My first child will be named New Folder.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’