If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
This kid is a star!
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage