HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.